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wellness // training // eating // dog-mom-ing

Reflecting on 2020

12.30.20

This has been quite the year. I wanted 2020 to be my year. After a rough 2019, I wanted to make this year my best one yet. I moved into a new apartment, was trying to end the most toxic relationship of my life, cleaning up my diet, and working full time on Becksliveshealthy.

2019 was one of the hardest years. I lost my dad unexpectedly. His health had been declining after years and years of heavy drinking. I basically stopped talking to my dad when I moved to California – it was my chance to cut things off after being hurt and disappointed for years. Although my dad’s health had been declining over the last year, he was always super active and always outdoors growing up. He inspired me to play sports and take up running after college. As an ICU nurse I knew that something was going to happen to him after continuous health issues and years of drinking, however I didn’t think it would happen just yet.

In 2019 I was also in a brand new and exciting relationship. I honestly thought that he was the ONE. We moved in together very quickly and everything seemed perfect. There were a ton of red flags in the beginning, but I was so in love that I didn’t notice. After a few months together I found out that he had been on tinder talking to other girls. And the day I found out was also the day I was releasing my workout guide, Move With Strength. He denied it all and I chose to believe him, even though how can you deny being on tinder? The pictures and location proved it. A few months later more and more red flags were popping up. I found out he had been cheating on me with multiple women from the gym. Mentally I was at an all time low. I lived with him, was supposed to start my own business in his gym, and helped take care of his daughter part time. I decided we could no longer live together so I broke our lease and we moved out of our apartment. My plan was to end things for good. Well….I wasn’t strong enough to do that. Instead he decided to get a puppy and I helped take care of her part time too. I stayed in the relationship because I didn’t want to be alone and deep down I hoped he would change. I continued going to his gym because it helped with my business. I was able to workout for free and film workouts anytime I wanted. Over the next few months, I found out about more women he was cheating on me with, but still didn’t leave. He always came back to me despite these relationships on the side.

Once the pandemic hit, I decided to go back to nursing full time. I needed the money and needed to get out of my house. I was deeply depressed and needed a distraction from this toxic relationship. I went back to my old ICU where I could be surrounded by a good group of people who would lift me up and help me get out of my depression. After a few months I started opening up to my co-workers about what was going on in my personal life. It was hard to keep in any longer and keep a big smile on my face.

I also started taking care of his puppy, Arbor, full time. He started leaving her with me more and more and after she developed a bacterial infection and needed emergency surgery in August, I decided to take her permanently. Meanwhile, he was basically in a relationship with someone else, which he denied. Again I failed to leave the relationship. I started seeing a new therapist because I desperately needed help. I needed to find the strength within to get me out of this toxic relationship. Not only was he cheating, but I was constantly being brought down and told how negative I was. My job in the ICU and everything else I did was constantly minimized.

After putting up with all of this for a few more months, I found out about more women. I decided to book a trip home for the holidays. After taking care of COVID patients in the ICU for 10 months, getting in a car accident in November, and putting up with this toxic person for 2 years I needed to get home and be with my family. I was COVID tested and wore a N95 mask home so I could safely spend the holidays with my family. I finally ended the relationship when I arrived home. I had my family by my side to help me get through one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I still loved this person, but I knew in order for me to create the happy and healthy life I wanted, I needed to end it and finally move on. It was time to finally put myself first entering the new year.

I haven’t been the happy Becky that everyone knows in a very long time. I’ve been so broken down and hurt. I lost all self esteem and love for myself. It’s finally time to pick myself back up and work on myself again. It’s time to learn to love myself and be proud of myself for walking away.

I’ve grown a lot this year. I’ve learned how strong I can be. I’ve put on a brave face and a smile when inside I’ve been in so much pain. I’ve learned I can handle a lot more than I ever thought I could. I have had my share of moments where I’ve felt bad for myself and asked why me? (And yes I still have these moments), but I’ve learned that everything truly does happens for a reason. I know there are good things coming my way and so much happiness ahead. I’m so grateful for my family and friends who have been there for me this past year and I’m so lucky I have sweet dogs by my side.

Moving forward into 2021, I’ll still be working in the ICU taking care of COVID patients. I  decided to extend my contract through March. I also recently moved back to Hermosa Beach into a 2 bedroom apartment with my dogs, so hopefully I can start filming more of my workouts at home soon. I mentioned earlier that I was in a car accident a few months ago and unfortunately my car was totaled. With the money from my insurance, I decided to purchase the Jeep I’ve always wanted. 2021 is already looking up. New home, new car, and new beginnings <3